Life is For the Living

The first time I saw a man die, I was in shock. It was just like the movies but worse. You can see the life leaving him quickly and abruptly. He was fine one minute and the next, he was gone. What's left is a shell of a person. If one does not believe in a soul, one can at least agree that something, some entity does leave the body when a person dies. You can't deny the hollowness of what's left.

It's not like I have not experienced the loss of a person I loved before. When I was 16, I lost my beloved grandmother who helped raise me. However, I saw her after life has already passed her body, which is entirely different from seeing life leave a body. I remember at the time, I was about 20 minutes late to see her before she passed away because the night before,  I chose to go home and sleep instead of staying at the hospital by her bedside. I regretted losing those 20 minutes for the longest time. Now, looking back, I think it's best that I don't remember her that way. In fact, I now vaguely recall what she looked like when she was lifeless on that hospital bed. Instead, I have vivid memories of her face, her smell, her voice, and her laughter.

He also passed away at the hospital in the early morning. This time, I was by his side to say my final goodbyes and watch him, the person I love,  leave behind a fraction of himself.

To experience death makes you feel the fragility of your own life. You realize that one day, you will be where he is, counting down his last breaths and wishing that he had done more and loved more. That is when I realized that whatever that troubles me now does not matter when I die. What I will probably care about is whatever memories I've had with loved ones, adventures I've taken, saying all that I need to say, and doing what I set out to do.

More than the shock of seeing him die, I was in shock at how fragile my own, young life is. With time passing by so quickly, I will soon be where he is. I do not want to live with regrets. I want to LIVE. After all, life is for the living and I wish I had understood that earlier instead of worrying so much of trivial things that I will probably not care about in my last, final breaths.

And so, in facing death, I will now finally live my life.